Five Minute Friday: Empty

GO:

It's amazing to me that a woman like me could feel so full and so empty at the same time. I am so full of desire but so empty of results. I feel like I'm full of the abstract and surrounded by the echo of what wants to be tangible but isn't. Yet.

I have so many thoughts and dreams, still, at my age. You would think I would be winding down and yet, no, I am still dreaming. I don't know if I'm just a dreamer, someone who spins beautiful webs in the upper corners of my heart but doesn't know how to expose them to the world. I don't want to just dream. I want to do. I want to be. I long to fill my life up and evict the emptiness.

My life is so full. I am so busy. But the busy-ness doesn't equal full-ness. And the emptiness yawns and brings me back in.

I want to be so full of Christ that I can't help, just by my life, but to have Him pour out of me into the world and into everyone I meet, especially those I have such impact on- and those I cherish the most. 

I'm so busy. And so tired. And so full. So why do I sometimes feel so depleted? So utterly spent. Not empty, as without hope, but empty, as a cavern full of possibilities yet unrealized...

STOP.

Five Minute Friday Writing Challenge

Late Night Thoughts...

Just realizing that it's been a long time since I've come here and wanting to rectify it. It's not that I haven't had enough to say- it's that I've had too much to say, and not enough time, and sometimes, sometimes, not enough freedom... I have to temper my thoughts with discernment. What I put online cannot be taken back and I'm not always dedicated enough to curb my impulsive nature.... I am constantly aware of my need to pray harder and deeper and stronger... And yet, those squirrel thoughts interrupt me with a half-dozen other urgent things I need to do and then I don't blog and sometimes I don't pray and what I really want to do falls even further on the list of things I yearn to cross off my to-do list...

That being said, I'm half-way through my Spring Break in my 2nd semester of going back to school and have only scratched the surface of that list! Sleeping in, I've got down pat :) As much as I love it, and as much as my fingers itch to sign up for at least one class this summer, I'm ready for some downtime. So much has happened in my personal life since I made the decision to finally get my degree- so much I didn't anticipate and so much I can't wrap my head around. Sometimes, having no time to think is a good thing. The fact that I've started crying in the middle of the night- or if I have too much time between classes- is probably an indication that I need more time to process and be...

I am in the midst of the most amazing college adventure. I definitely didn't appreciate all of this the first time around. I think being at the right school has a lot to do with it but it also has to do with everything in the last 20 years of my life that has brought me to this place in time. The more I learn, the more I realize I have so much to learn. The more I figure out, the more I realize I have so much to figure out. The more I decide, the more I realize I need to decide. The more I think, the more I realize I think too much :)

My dad's cancer has spread. What began as a spot on his lungs 8 months ago, turned into a major lung removal surgery, severe memory & confusion issues, a car accident, a move into assisted living, and now part of his hip has been eaten away and we face radiation treatments and an uncertain future. I'm pretty sure I know how I feel about that, but I'm not sure I can articulate it as well as I do with gasping sobs and silly fears and a big, gnawing ache in my stomach that not even the strong arms of my Gary, holding me all night long can make go away completely...

Not to mention that some of the people in my life that I love dearly are not really happy. I'm the sort of person who wants everyone to be happy so when that doesn't happen, I feel like it's my fault and if I can't figure it out and fix it, I'm the failure. I also feel like I'm constantly being judged and that is frustrating and exhausting and saddening to me. Some of my judges are people I love, some are not. Some are people I wish I didn't have to deal with, and some are people I can let go of very easily. Some are people I don't think intend to be hurtful, and some are people I don't think care if they are hurtful. I make excuses for all of them a lot. I don't believe all the excuses I make but it makes me feel better if I believe in basic human kindness. I understand mistakes- Lord knows I've made more than my fair share, some much bigger than others, and I'm so grateful for His forgiveness. What I don't understand is unkindness. It just baffles me to no end. And makes me truly sad.

That isn't to say that I'm perfect. That I'm never unkind. Or that I'm never ugly, selfish, mean and small. But when I realize it, I'm pretty much brought to my knees. I don't like these things in myself any more than I like them in anyone else. Worse, I think, because I know better. And because I know I've disappointed my Jesus, my audience of one, who loves me at my ugliest and smallest and never fails to remind me that I need to give as much mercy as I want to receive. His grace makes me want to reach beyond the hurts- real and imagined- and love the unlovable. But in my human-ness, I can't seem to get there- yet.

So, I sit here, and try to make sense of my life in the middle of the night, when deep sleep eludes and dark thought entertains... This 'making sense' includes enumerating my blessings, which are so great and so dear, and which far outweigh even the heaviest of burdens on my mind. Most of all, I have a Savior, a husband who demonstrates to me Christ's love for His church and incredible children that I am trying so hard to train up an overwhelming love of God and others.  I love deeply and am deeply loved in return.

Whom then- what then- shall I fear?

Five Minute Friday: Whole

GO:

I am so many parts. Especially this past week, I have struggled with all of my parts. ALl of my roles. Being a daughter, a mother, a sister, a friend, a student (to be!), a performer, a singer, a guitarist (in progress!)... I was tugged in so many different directions that I kind of lost myself. On some levels that was good because I was on auto-pilot- answering questions, asking questions, sleeping, eating, helping, doing... It kept me from thinking of all the horrible things that my wonderful distracted mind was able to keep at bay. 

On the other hand, there were times I was just completely stymied. I had no idea where I should turn, what I should do, who my priority should be, when I should let go, how I should act... I felt selfish and self-less at the same time. I was proud of the juggling and then immediately aggravated that I wasn't able to please everyone. 

But then I would crawl into bed, drag my wretchedly exhaustipated body into that heavenly soft cool sheet world and curl every inch of me around the man who is my counterpart, my best friend and staunchiest advocate- always. And all was well with my world. Because no matter how many roles I played, no matter how many different directions I was being pulled in, no matter how much I questioned or worried or wondered...at the end of the day, I was warmed by the man who sums up all those parts and keeps me safe in his heart. Whole-ly loved. Whole-ly me. Whole.

STOP.

Five Minute Friday Writing Challenge

Five Minute Friday: Welcome

GO:

From the moment I stepped onto the campus, I knew. There was a feeling of "home", a feeling of coming back to a place I'd never been but knowing I was supposed to be there. That all of my life had led me to that moment. 

Sitting in Dr. Reyes' office, discussing music, discerning ministry, the marriage of tradition with contemporary, musical philosophies and faith testimonies, auditions, workshops, concerts and classes...

I sat across from this woman I had never met and a warm feeling overcame me and I knew she was the right person to help guide me over the next four years as I pursue a degree in worship and music ministry. I listened to her tell me about her own background and passions and visions for the future and I knew this welcome was a destiny I could never have imagined on my own. It helped me share my own story and my own piece in this puzzle of my life.

I am grateful for the cheerleaders in my life who have helped me to get to this welcome mat, at this college I didn't know existed a year ago...

I hug myself and laugh with excitement at this new home that I will visit during the week when my monkeys are at their own schools and I revel in the welcome of it all...

STOP.

Five Minute Friday Writing Challenge

June DayBook: A Day Late & A Dollar Short :)

Outside my window... sun is setting, everything is grey with some rays of light peeking through the many clouds, pine trees are framing the picture...

I am thinking... about how very much my life has changed in the last couple of years and how incredible where I've wound up has turned out to be- everything I never knew I always wanted...

I am hearing...  the Disney movie "Tangled" in surround sound and several monkeys in the pool shouting and laughing... Oh, now it's Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 and I will be easily distracted :) 

I am thankful for... my Gary, who always encourages me, always supports me, always listens to me, always prays for me and always, always loves me...

I am praying for... my monkeys- their paths, their friends, their decisions, their opportunities, their lives... Just celebrated David's 6th & Natalie's 17th birthdays and have Katelyn's 10th & Zacharoo's 8th coming up this summer and then Megan's 16th & Jessi's 19th this fall... Whew!

Toward a healthier me.... drinking more water, strength training, cutting out caffeine, getting enough sleep (that one is hard!)...

Inspiring me this week... several friends who have been both prayer warriors and cheerleaders and have taken the time to give me advice and direction- Todd Bardin, Jonathan Cole, Lenora Rousseau and Karen Janota, I am more grateful than I let you know :)

From the kitchen... Just tried quinoa for the first time in a sparkpeople recipe tonight. It was good but I'd like to see what else I can do with this stuff- love the flavor and texture!

I am wearing... ummm... my orange Third Day "Property of Gomer" t-shirt and (surprise!) black yoga shorts... again...  Wow! I am a creature of habit (and comfort lol) who needs to change it up a bit, perhaps!

I am creating... a new life- settling in to a new normal in this season of change on the road to who I want to be when I grow up...

I am going... back to school! I'm so amazingly excited I can't stand it! 58 days and counting! 

I am reading... just starting Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows- again. I have to re-read it before the midnight premiere in 13 days! I am going to bawl my eyes out as soon as the music starts and all the way through til I hiccough at the end with a sad sigh... 

Toward a lifelong education... Spent the day at Florida Christian College on Thursday meeting the professor of music, my academic advisor, registering for classes, figuring out my financial aid and getting all my questions answered. I am going to exactly the right school that combines my two passions- music and my Jesus- and I am so at peace with this decision. And so grateful for the opportunity. 

On keeping home... catching up on laundry, the constant sweeping and mopping of the kitchen, sorting out piles of paperwork in our bedroom, picking out pictures to print out for the myriad of frames we've put up with random strangers still smiling at us from every angle :)

One of my favorite things... God showing up in the unlikeliest of places- through folks and events you don't expect to see Him in- and the continuous learning that comes from trying to walk with as much grace towards other folks as you can muster. 

A verse for this week:

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God".

 ~ Micah 6:8                                                                                  

A few plans for the rest of the week:  Practicing guitar for Emmaus team meetings and the October walk, continuing to immerse myself in "Ragtime" for the upcoming August performance, buzzing and singing my JoCo music, applying for scholarships and grants so I can continue this adventure next year :)

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing... 

5 Minute Friday: Deep Breath

Go:

I want me a burning bush. Doesn't everyone? I could never deny my God if He deigned to speak to me from a pyre of leaves and branches, lest the fire leap out and devour me whole. I wouldn't argue with Him or try to change His mind or tell Him that He was dead wrong. 

Unfortunately, the whole burning bush thing is a little bit more uncommon these days. 

And so, I have to figure things out all by myself. Well, not completely. The yearning of my soul is apparently leading me in ways I didn't even recognize at first.  I also have some really phenomenal folks in my life that I seem to have collected unwittingly, but no less strategically, who affirm the stirrings of my heart and unpackage the things that are tormenting me. 

And sometimes :::deep breath::: I've got nothing. The hair on my arms doesn't move an inch, I play phone tag to no avail and all I have... is me... and Him. 

And I have to learn to be more still. And I have to listen closer to what is unsaid. And I have to trust the seemingly RIDICULOUS spiritual urgings. And I have to move somewhere in order to get anywhere.

Leaning not on my own understanding.

Burning bush, anyone?

STOP.

Thanking my beautiful friend & fellow wordsmith, Sam, for another great blog idea.

Every Friday, a new prompt & intentional 5 minute freewrite. 

Awesomeness? I think so!

The Gypsy Mama's Five Minute Friday Focused Writing Challenge

MayDayBook :)

Outside my window... a hazy, overcast day. There was a really cool sun this morning that I wish I had a good enough camera to capture. It was a beautiful subdued orange-red under a full cloud veil framed by pine trees.

I am thinking... about everything I have to do, the frog that may or not be hiding in my laundry room, windows and doors for God to open and close, music, the many folks who are trying to help me figure out me (lol) and the throbbing feeling in my fingertips from practicing guitar :)

I am hearing... more than anyone thinks I am hearing, which is still less than I would like to hear. I want me a burning bush that I would never dare to disobey but I know my God speaks volumes to me in the silences that are so hard for me. And literally, one of my favorite songs (and so appropriate right now) just came on the radio- "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw.

I am thankful for... the awesome, overwhelming feeling of electricity surrounding me when I don't think I'm praying and the warm sensation in my chest that hums the phrase "consuming fire".

I am praying for... .the courage to keep moving, the faith to change direction and the discernment that goes along with both.

Toward a healthier me.... Went to the doctor, spent the afternoon having some tests done, a referral to a specialist next week and we'll go from there. Also, more consistent strength training, drinking more water and eating more intentionally. Having breakfast every morning is tough for me :~P

Inspiring me this week... the Holy Spirit. It is both ridiculous and redeeming to feel like I am really being led somewhere, however unexpected :)

From the kitchen... Oddly enough, I'm unprepared. I have been cooking for 7 for the past 3 weeks but after a great start last night cooking for 9 again with the meatloaf & mashed potatoes that everyone devours, I am stymied for the rest of the week.

I am wearing... my orange Third Day "Property of Gomer" t-shirt and (surprise!) black yoga shorts. 

I am creating... me- really recreating me, who I want to be when I grow up, and trying not to feel selfish about it. It works sometimes :) but this seems too worth it to give up on me again.

I am going... SOMEWHERE. Can't sit on the sidelines any longer.

I am reading... The Way to Heaven by Steven Harper and Listening to God in Times of Choice by Gordon Smith. Change of Heart will have to wait a little longer :)

Toward a lifelong education... a-HA! I am trying to figure out a way to go back to school and get my BS in Music Ministry :) Exciting and scary! Also, practicing my guitar to get ready to lead music with one of my favorite fellow musicians on a retreat this fall. And sangin' :)

On keeping home... Spent TWO days cleaning the girls' room, put up blinds in the living room, curtains in the bedroom and painted the laundry room. Still organizing those craft shelves. A work in progress- a great little music corner in our bedroom- guitars on the walls, keyboard under the window,  music stand by my cozy chair and my biggest fan on his netbook in our bed. Pure bliss, this :)

One of my favorite things... Moosen & monkeys. A snapshot of life with both: Church- complete with "Swagger Wagon" video (!), an unexpected long nap, Steak & Shake and bowling for Mother's Day. I love my family :)

A verse for this week:

"Be still and know that I am God."

 ~ Psalm 46:10                                                                                  

A few plans for the rest of the week:  Jessi's senior recital, rehearsing for the Central Florida Community Choir's first concert next week, practicing guitar, finally watching Megamind with the kiddos and Date Night!

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing... couldn't do one this time- we didn't get a group shot! :)