Thursday, March 8, 2012

Five Minute Friday: Empty


It's amazing to me that a woman like me could feel so full and so empty at the same time. I am so full of desire but so empty of results. I feel like I'm full of the abstract and surrounded by the echo of what wants to be tangible but isn't. Yet.

I have so many thoughts and dreams, still, at my age. You would think I would be winding down and yet, no, I am still dreaming. I don't know if I'm just a dreamer, someone who spins beautiful webs in the upper corners of my heart but doesn't know how to expose them to the world. I don't want to just dream. I want to do. I want to be. I long to fill my life up and evict the emptiness.

My life is so full. I am so busy. But the busy-ness doesn't equal full-ness. And the emptiness yawns and brings me back in.

I want to be so full of Christ that I can't help, just by my life, but to have Him pour out of me into the world and into everyone I meet, especially those I have such impact on- and those I cherish the most. 

I'm so busy. And so tired. And so full. So why do I sometimes feel so depleted? So utterly spent. Not empty, as without hope, but empty, as a cavern full of possibilities yet unrealized...


Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Late Night Thoughts...

Just realizing that it's been a long time since I've come here and wanting to rectify it. It's not that I haven't had enough to say- it's that I've had too much to say, and not enough time, and sometimes, sometimes, not enough freedom... I have to temper my thoughts with discernment. What I put online cannot be taken back and I'm not always dedicated enough to curb my impulsive nature.... I am constantly aware of my need to pray harder and deeper and stronger... And yet, those squirrel thoughts interrupt me with a half-dozen other urgent things I need to do and then I don't blog and sometimes I don't pray and what I really want to do falls even further on the list of things I yearn to cross off my to-do list...

That being said, I'm half-way through my Spring Break in my 2nd semester of going back to school and have only scratched the surface of that list! Sleeping in, I've got down pat :) As much as I love it, and as much as my fingers itch to sign up for at least one class this summer, I'm ready for some downtime. So much has happened in my personal life since I made the decision to finally get my degree- so much I didn't anticipate and so much I can't wrap my head around. Sometimes, having no time to think is a good thing. The fact that I've started crying in the middle of the night- or if I have too much time between classes- is probably an indication that I need more time to process and be...

I am in the midst of the most amazing college adventure. I definitely didn't appreciate all of this the first time around. I think being at the right school has a lot to do with it but it also has to do with everything in the last 20 years of my life that has brought me to this place in time. The more I learn, the more I realize I have so much to learn. The more I figure out, the more I realize I have so much to figure out. The more I decide, the more I realize I need to decide. The more I think, the more I realize I think too much :)

My dad's cancer has spread. What began as a spot on his lungs 8 months ago, turned into a major lung removal surgery, severe memory & confusion issues, a car accident, a move into assisted living, and now part of his hip has been eaten away and we face radiation treatments and an uncertain future. I'm pretty sure I know how I feel about that, but I'm not sure I can articulate it as well as I do with gasping sobs and silly fears and a big, gnawing ache in my stomach that not even the strong arms of my Gary, holding me all night long can make go away completely...

Not to mention that some of the people in my life that I love dearly are not really happy. I'm the sort of person who wants everyone to be happy so when that doesn't happen, I feel like it's my fault and if I can't figure it out and fix it, I'm the failure. I also feel like I'm constantly being judged and that is frustrating and exhausting and saddening to me. Some of my judges are people I love, some are not. Some are people I wish I didn't have to deal with, and some are people I can let go of very easily. Some are people I don't think intend to be hurtful, and some are people I don't think care if they are hurtful. I make excuses for all of them a lot. I don't believe all the excuses I make but it makes me feel better if I believe in basic human kindness. I understand mistakes- Lord knows I've made more than my fair share, some much bigger than others, and I'm so grateful for His forgiveness. What I don't understand is unkindness. It just baffles me to no end. And makes me truly sad.

That isn't to say that I'm perfect. That I'm never unkind. Or that I'm never ugly, selfish, mean and small. But when I realize it, I'm pretty much brought to my knees. I don't like these things in myself any more than I like them in anyone else. Worse, I think, because I know better. And because I know I've disappointed my Jesus, my audience of one, who loves me at my ugliest and smallest and never fails to remind me that I need to give as much mercy as I want to receive. His grace makes me want to reach beyond the hurts- real and imagined- and love the unlovable. But in my human-ness, I can't seem to get there- yet.

So, I sit here, and try to make sense of my life in the middle of the night, when deep sleep eludes and dark thought entertains... This 'making sense' includes enumerating my blessings, which are so great and so dear, and which far outweigh even the heaviest of burdens on my mind. Most of all, I have a Savior, a husband who demonstrates to me Christ's love for His church and incredible children that I am trying so hard to train up an overwhelming love of God and others.  I love deeply and am deeply loved in return.

Whom then- what then- shall I fear?