I left my father in a hospital room tonight, not knowing what the next few days will hold. More likely than not, his zeroed white blood count will rally and he will be back to his "new" normal self just in time for his next chemo treatment. More likely than not, now that we know he is susceptible to bottoming out, it won't be so bad next round. And, more likely than not, we will do this dance a few more times. But I am acutely aware that there will come a point in the not so distant future, that I will leave my father in a hospital room for the last time.. I know my father knows this is inevitable. And I know we both acknowledge that only God knows when this eventuality will take place. What my father doesn't know, doesn't realize, cannot even begin to grasp, is that I've been down this road before, not quite so involved, except for my heart, and this second time is tearing me apart. I was 16 when I walked this road with my mother, when I watched her struggle and fight, and relatively quickly lose her battle with cancer. They were divorced then so he wasn't there, so he doesn't understand, couldn't know, the devastation I face when cancer looms so largely over his life and mine. I put on the face, I take care of business, I sign all the papers, make all the appointments, talk to the doctors...but inside, I'm ripped to shreds and by the grace of God, a good man who holds me fast, a family who hugs me tight, and friends who lift me in prayer, I manage to keep it all together.
I cannot imagine what my father is going through but helplessly, agonizingly, witnessing cancer's sure and steady march against him is excruciating for me. I simply cannot believe I have to go through this again...
Friday, June 8, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
So, I went to church today, but not *my* church, the old church, the one I used to spend more time at than my actual home. Yea. That one. To say I was apprehensive would be a ridiculous understatement. I was literally nauseated, although I have been under the weather all week-end. There was trepidation- and dare I say, fear- even as I made the longest short walk across the parking lot. I felt huge, like a neon sign in Vegas, at the same time, I felt small, insignificantly so.
This is the church that judged and shunned me at the lowest time in my life. I learned the depth of my own naivete, as well as the death thereof, replaced by a hard edge I haven't yet figured out how to smooth. I also learned how desperate I was for Jesus and that He was the only one who could love me through anything and everything.
It's just a church, after all. A monstrosity of a building that was meant to house a community of believers and bring people into the fold. We were known for putting broken people back together and welcoming them with open arms but nobody told me that once you were a member, you couldn't break. I spent almost a dozen years putting on a plastic face as I worshiped, learned, led and served. I couldn't bear to let people see what a shambles my life really was, so I hid that part of me, but loved the best I could with the rest of my heart. I loved deep and I loved wide and I loved long and hard and well while hiding the fact that I was dying inside.
And when my life finally fell apart and I fell to my knees, wretched beyond recognition, but free from the half-life I had survived, and admitted I couldn't do it anymore, their eyes shuttered, their arms crossed and their hearts hardened. So many minds and mouths raced with sordid details they didn't know and didn't bother to verify. And I stood there, begging for grace and mercy and love, while their stones of judgement shattered what was left of my heart. After all, what is truth? People see what they want to see. I just wish they thought more of me to see past appearances.
So, I went there today, and all those awful feelings came rushing back, but just when the oppression threatened to overwhelm me, I found Him. My Jesus was there, in that church, reminding me that it's just a church after all. A monstrosity of a building housing a community of believers who are as human and fallible as I am. The ugly memories were mine alone and where once, I wanted so badly for it to be my home again, I no longer bear that misguided self-flagellation. In more ways than one, I have been set free.
There is much I owe that church, much to be grateful for, and much to hold dear. My dearest, deepest, richest, truest, friendships were born there and I still cherish these today. Leading, singing, playing, teaching, speaking, acting, guiding, discipling, writing, encouraging, befriending- all gifts given freely and received gratefully. Churches full of people may fail people but my Jesus never does. I have learned that I carry Him with me just as I am, broken and beautiful, delightful and desperate, fallible and forgiven. I am His temple, one of His living stones, because greater is the one who is in me, than the one that is in the world. And I wouldn't trade learning that lesson- even the hard way- for anything...
This is the church that judged and shunned me at the lowest time in my life. I learned the depth of my own naivete, as well as the death thereof, replaced by a hard edge I haven't yet figured out how to smooth. I also learned how desperate I was for Jesus and that He was the only one who could love me through anything and everything.
It's just a church, after all. A monstrosity of a building that was meant to house a community of believers and bring people into the fold. We were known for putting broken people back together and welcoming them with open arms but nobody told me that once you were a member, you couldn't break. I spent almost a dozen years putting on a plastic face as I worshiped, learned, led and served. I couldn't bear to let people see what a shambles my life really was, so I hid that part of me, but loved the best I could with the rest of my heart. I loved deep and I loved wide and I loved long and hard and well while hiding the fact that I was dying inside.
And when my life finally fell apart and I fell to my knees, wretched beyond recognition, but free from the half-life I had survived, and admitted I couldn't do it anymore, their eyes shuttered, their arms crossed and their hearts hardened. So many minds and mouths raced with sordid details they didn't know and didn't bother to verify. And I stood there, begging for grace and mercy and love, while their stones of judgement shattered what was left of my heart. After all, what is truth? People see what they want to see. I just wish they thought more of me to see past appearances.
So, I went there today, and all those awful feelings came rushing back, but just when the oppression threatened to overwhelm me, I found Him. My Jesus was there, in that church, reminding me that it's just a church after all. A monstrosity of a building housing a community of believers who are as human and fallible as I am. The ugly memories were mine alone and where once, I wanted so badly for it to be my home again, I no longer bear that misguided self-flagellation. In more ways than one, I have been set free.
There is much I owe that church, much to be grateful for, and much to hold dear. My dearest, deepest, richest, truest, friendships were born there and I still cherish these today. Leading, singing, playing, teaching, speaking, acting, guiding, discipling, writing, encouraging, befriending- all gifts given freely and received gratefully. Churches full of people may fail people but my Jesus never does. I have learned that I carry Him with me just as I am, broken and beautiful, delightful and desperate, fallible and forgiven. I am His temple, one of His living stones, because greater is the one who is in me, than the one that is in the world. And I wouldn't trade learning that lesson- even the hard way- for anything...
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Five Minute Friday: Empty
GO:
It's amazing to me that a woman like me could feel so full and so empty at the same time. I am so full of desire but so empty of results. I feel like I'm full of the abstract and surrounded by the echo of what wants to be tangible but isn't. Yet.
I have so many thoughts and dreams, still, at my age. You would think I would be winding down and yet, no, I am still dreaming. I don't know if I'm just a dreamer, someone who spins beautiful webs in the upper corners of my heart but doesn't know how to expose them to the world. I don't want to just dream. I want to do. I want to be. I long to fill my life up and evict the emptiness.
My life is so full. I am so busy. But the busy-ness doesn't equal full-ness. And the emptiness yawns and brings me back in.
I want to be so full of Christ that I can't help, just by my life, but to have Him pour out of me into the world and into everyone I meet, especially those I have such impact on- and those I cherish the most.
I'm so busy. And so tired. And so full. So why do I sometimes feel so depleted? So utterly spent. Not empty, as without hope, but empty, as a cavern full of possibilities yet unrealized...
STOP.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Late Night Thoughts...
Just realizing that it's been a long time since I've come here and wanting to rectify it. It's not that I haven't had enough to say- it's that I've had too much to say, and not enough time, and sometimes, sometimes, not enough freedom... I have to temper my thoughts with discernment. What I put online cannot be taken back and I'm not always dedicated enough to curb my impulsive nature.... I am constantly aware of my need to pray harder and deeper and stronger... And yet, those squirrel thoughts interrupt me with a half-dozen other urgent things I need to do and then I don't blog and sometimes I don't pray and what I really want to do falls even further on the list of things I yearn to cross off my to-do list...
That being said, I'm half-way through my Spring Break in my 2nd semester of going back to school and have only scratched the surface of that list! Sleeping in, I've got down pat :) As much as I love it, and as much as my fingers itch to sign up for at least one class this summer, I'm ready for some downtime. So much has happened in my personal life since I made the decision to finally get my degree- so much I didn't anticipate and so much I can't wrap my head around. Sometimes, having no time to think is a good thing. The fact that I've started crying in the middle of the night- or if I have too much time between classes- is probably an indication that I need more time to process and be...
I am in the midst of the most amazing college adventure. I definitely didn't appreciate all of this the first time around. I think being at the right school has a lot to do with it but it also has to do with everything in the last 20 years of my life that has brought me to this place in time. The more I learn, the more I realize I have so much to learn. The more I figure out, the more I realize I have so much to figure out. The more I decide, the more I realize I need to decide. The more I think, the more I realize I think too much :)
My dad's cancer has spread. What began as a spot on his lungs 8 months ago, turned into a major lung removal surgery, severe memory & confusion issues, a car accident, a move into assisted living, and now part of his hip has been eaten away and we face radiation treatments and an uncertain future. I'm pretty sure I know how I feel about that, but I'm not sure I can articulate it as well as I do with gasping sobs and silly fears and a big, gnawing ache in my stomach that not even the strong arms of my Gary, holding me all night long can make go away completely...
Not to mention that some of the people in my life that I love dearly are not really happy. I'm the sort of person who wants everyone to be happy so when that doesn't happen, I feel like it's my fault and if I can't figure it out and fix it, I'm the failure. I also feel like I'm constantly being judged and that is frustrating and exhausting and saddening to me. Some of my judges are people I love, some are not. Some are people I wish I didn't have to deal with, and some are people I can let go of very easily. Some are people I don't think intend to be hurtful, and some are people I don't think care if they are hurtful. I make excuses for all of them a lot. I don't believe all the excuses I make but it makes me feel better if I believe in basic human kindness. I understand mistakes- Lord knows I've made more than my fair share, some much bigger than others, and I'm so grateful for His forgiveness. What I don't understand is unkindness. It just baffles me to no end. And makes me truly sad.
That isn't to say that I'm perfect. That I'm never unkind. Or that I'm never ugly, selfish, mean and small. But when I realize it, I'm pretty much brought to my knees. I don't like these things in myself any more than I like them in anyone else. Worse, I think, because I know better. And because I know I've disappointed my Jesus, my audience of one, who loves me at my ugliest and smallest and never fails to remind me that I need to give as much mercy as I want to receive. His grace makes me want to reach beyond the hurts- real and imagined- and love the unlovable. But in my human-ness, I can't seem to get there- yet.
So, I sit here, and try to make sense of my life in the middle of the night, when deep sleep eludes and dark thought entertains... This 'making sense' includes enumerating my blessings, which are so great and so dear, and which far outweigh even the heaviest of burdens on my mind. Most of all, I have a Savior, a husband who demonstrates to me Christ's love for His church and incredible children that I am trying so hard to train up an overwhelming love of God and others. I love deeply and am deeply loved in return.
Whom then- what then- shall I fear?
That being said, I'm half-way through my Spring Break in my 2nd semester of going back to school and have only scratched the surface of that list! Sleeping in, I've got down pat :) As much as I love it, and as much as my fingers itch to sign up for at least one class this summer, I'm ready for some downtime. So much has happened in my personal life since I made the decision to finally get my degree- so much I didn't anticipate and so much I can't wrap my head around. Sometimes, having no time to think is a good thing. The fact that I've started crying in the middle of the night- or if I have too much time between classes- is probably an indication that I need more time to process and be...
I am in the midst of the most amazing college adventure. I definitely didn't appreciate all of this the first time around. I think being at the right school has a lot to do with it but it also has to do with everything in the last 20 years of my life that has brought me to this place in time. The more I learn, the more I realize I have so much to learn. The more I figure out, the more I realize I have so much to figure out. The more I decide, the more I realize I need to decide. The more I think, the more I realize I think too much :)
My dad's cancer has spread. What began as a spot on his lungs 8 months ago, turned into a major lung removal surgery, severe memory & confusion issues, a car accident, a move into assisted living, and now part of his hip has been eaten away and we face radiation treatments and an uncertain future. I'm pretty sure I know how I feel about that, but I'm not sure I can articulate it as well as I do with gasping sobs and silly fears and a big, gnawing ache in my stomach that not even the strong arms of my Gary, holding me all night long can make go away completely...
Not to mention that some of the people in my life that I love dearly are not really happy. I'm the sort of person who wants everyone to be happy so when that doesn't happen, I feel like it's my fault and if I can't figure it out and fix it, I'm the failure. I also feel like I'm constantly being judged and that is frustrating and exhausting and saddening to me. Some of my judges are people I love, some are not. Some are people I wish I didn't have to deal with, and some are people I can let go of very easily. Some are people I don't think intend to be hurtful, and some are people I don't think care if they are hurtful. I make excuses for all of them a lot. I don't believe all the excuses I make but it makes me feel better if I believe in basic human kindness. I understand mistakes- Lord knows I've made more than my fair share, some much bigger than others, and I'm so grateful for His forgiveness. What I don't understand is unkindness. It just baffles me to no end. And makes me truly sad.
That isn't to say that I'm perfect. That I'm never unkind. Or that I'm never ugly, selfish, mean and small. But when I realize it, I'm pretty much brought to my knees. I don't like these things in myself any more than I like them in anyone else. Worse, I think, because I know better. And because I know I've disappointed my Jesus, my audience of one, who loves me at my ugliest and smallest and never fails to remind me that I need to give as much mercy as I want to receive. His grace makes me want to reach beyond the hurts- real and imagined- and love the unlovable. But in my human-ness, I can't seem to get there- yet.
So, I sit here, and try to make sense of my life in the middle of the night, when deep sleep eludes and dark thought entertains... This 'making sense' includes enumerating my blessings, which are so great and so dear, and which far outweigh even the heaviest of burdens on my mind. Most of all, I have a Savior, a husband who demonstrates to me Christ's love for His church and incredible children that I am trying so hard to train up an overwhelming love of God and others. I love deeply and am deeply loved in return.
Whom then- what then- shall I fear?
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Five Minute Friday: Whole
GO:
I am so many parts. Especially this past week, I have struggled with all of my parts. ALl of my roles. Being a daughter, a mother, a sister, a friend, a student (to be!), a performer, a singer, a guitarist (in progress!)... I was tugged in so many different directions that I kind of lost myself. On some levels that was good because I was on auto-pilot- answering questions, asking questions, sleeping, eating, helping, doing... It kept me from thinking of all the horrible things that my wonderful distracted mind was able to keep at bay.
On the other hand, there were times I was just completely stymied. I had no idea where I should turn, what I should do, who my priority should be, when I should let go, how I should act... I felt selfish and self-less at the same time. I was proud of the juggling and then immediately aggravated that I wasn't able to please everyone.
But then I would crawl into bed, drag my wretchedly exhaustipated body into that heavenly soft cool sheet world and curl every inch of me around the man who is my counterpart, my best friend and staunchiest advocate- always. And all was well with my world. Because no matter how many roles I played, no matter how many different directions I was being pulled in, no matter how much I questioned or worried or wondered...at the end of the day, I was warmed by the man who sums up all those parts and keeps me safe in his heart. Whole-ly loved. Whole-ly me. Whole.
STOP.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Five Minute Friday: Welcome
GO:
From the moment I stepped onto the campus, I knew. There was a feeling of "home", a feeling of coming back to a place I'd never been but knowing I was supposed to be there. That all of my life had led me to that moment.
Sitting in Dr. Reyes' office, discussing music, discerning ministry, the marriage of tradition with contemporary, musical philosophies and faith testimonies, auditions, workshops, concerts and classes...
I sat across from this woman I had never met and a warm feeling overcame me and I knew she was the right person to help guide me over the next four years as I pursue a degree in worship and music ministry. I listened to her tell me about her own background and passions and visions for the future and I knew this welcome was a destiny I could never have imagined on my own. It helped me share my own story and my own piece in this puzzle of my life.
I am grateful for the cheerleaders in my life who have helped me to get to this welcome mat, at this college I didn't know existed a year ago...
I hug myself and laugh with excitement at this new home that I will visit during the week when my monkeys are at their own schools and I revel in the welcome of it all...
STOP.
June DayBook: A Day Late & A Dollar Short :)
Outside my window... sun is setting, everything is grey with some rays of light peeking through the many clouds, pine trees are framing the picture...
I am thinking... about how very much my life has changed in the last couple of years and how incredible where I've wound up has turned out to be- everything I never knew I always wanted...
I am hearing... the Disney movie "Tangled" in surround sound and several monkeys in the pool shouting and laughing... Oh, now it's Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 and I will be easily distracted :)
I am thankful for... my Gary, who always encourages me, always supports me, always listens to me, always prays for me and always, always loves me...
I am praying for... my monkeys- their paths, their friends, their decisions, their opportunities, their lives... Just celebrated David's 6th & Natalie's 17th birthdays and have Katelyn's 10th & Zacharoo's 8th coming up this summer and then Megan's 16th & Jessi's 19th this fall... Whew!
Toward a healthier me.... drinking more water, strength training, cutting out caffeine, getting enough sleep (that one is hard!)...
Inspiring me this week... several friends who have been both prayer warriors and cheerleaders and have taken the time to give me advice and direction- Todd Bardin, Jonathan Cole, Lenora Rousseau and Karen Janota, I am more grateful than I let you know :)
From the kitchen... Just tried quinoa for the first time in a sparkpeople recipe tonight. It was good but I'd like to see what else I can do with this stuff- love the flavor and texture!
I am wearing... ummm... my orange Third Day "Property of Gomer" t-shirt and (surprise!) black yoga shorts... again... Wow! I am a creature of habit (and comfort lol) who needs to change it up a bit, perhaps!
I am creating... a new life- settling in to a new normal in this season of change on the road to who I want to be when I grow up...
I am going... back to school! I'm so amazingly excited I can't stand it! 58 days and counting!
I am reading... just starting Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows- again. I have to re-read it before the midnight premiere in 13 days! I am going to bawl my eyes out as soon as the music starts and all the way through til I hiccough at the end with a sad sigh...
Toward a lifelong education... Spent the day at Florida Christian College on Thursday meeting the professor of music, my academic advisor, registering for classes, figuring out my financial aid and getting all my questions answered. I am going to exactly the right school that combines my two passions- music and my Jesus- and I am so at peace with this decision. And so grateful for the opportunity.
On keeping home... catching up on laundry, the constant sweeping and mopping of the kitchen, sorting out piles of paperwork in our bedroom, picking out pictures to print out for the myriad of frames we've put up with random strangers still smiling at us from every angle :)
One of my favorite things... God showing up in the unlikeliest of places- through folks and events you don't expect to see Him in- and the continuous learning that comes from trying to walk with as much grace towards other folks as you can muster.
A verse for this week:
"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God".
~ Micah 6:8
A few plans for the rest of the week: Practicing guitar for Emmaus team meetings and the October walk, continuing to immerse myself in "Ragtime" for the upcoming August performance, buzzing and singing my JoCo music, applying for scholarships and grants so I can continue this adventure next year :)
Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...
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